I've rewritten this 'story' approximately ten times now. I am desperately trying to find the right words to create a call to action and am continually tangled up in my efforts to convey the horror experienced by adults who have suffered childhood abuse. I desperately want to open the eyes of those who have not been affected, to the pain of those who have and why help and support is so very vital; the words fail me. I am a 34 year old survivor of child sexual and physical abuse. I have suffered the effects of this abuse throughout my entire life - ever since it began before the age of 2. In my mid-teens I began to understand some of this 'story'  - one told with relative ease. However, it is only in recent years, in the safety of a love that is unconditional and true, that certain triggers have unleashed my memories; these disgusting and horrific memories have become my own call to action to do something - I am putting as much energy into healing as I have done into surviving and I want to help others to to the same - this is why I am running to raise funds for Blue Knot. I have made so many mistakes - but I am also fortunate enough to have been surrounded by love despite the hidden abuse - many others are not so lucky. 

Repeated abuse or trauma can lead to complex-PTSD - the effects of which include an inability to control emotions , periods of losing concentration (dissociation), intense and horrifying detailed flashbacks, blanking out or losing memories, difficulties with a sense of identity or body image, physical symptoms that can’t be explained medically, disturbed relationships and cutting oneself off from other people, an inability to trust others, vulnerability to abuse or exploitation, self-harm, suicide attempts and substance abuse and so on.

Why support Blue Knot over any other charity that deals with mental health? The issue of child abuse is a very sensitive one - one that leaves terror, shame, isolation and self-loathing it it's wake. It cannot be treated by looking at the symptoms alone - it has to be understood and handled with care. Just as you would hold that small child and protect them from the horror they are about to face. Blue Knot aims to 'untangle' the web, working to support survivors, their families and communities through professional phone counselling, information and resources, advocacy and educational workshops. Their work makes recovery possible. The possibilities once limited by the past are finally opened to the open endless blue sky.

Just for one instant - try to imagine that you are that child - how can you possibly develop an understanding of trust, of self-worth? How can you go through teens and puberty without feeling disgusting, useless, unable to trust your body or feelings that should be natural. You might remember but it is more likely that you will bury the memories so deep that the past is twisted into a black space built solely on images from photographs without real memories. The fortress can only hold so long and suddenly a trigger shakes the foundation and unleashes the sorrow and horror. Imagine living until your 30's, 40's, 50's or even 60's and suddenly remembering what was done to you - nightmares unleashed and the world turned upside down - the reality of today tangled with the fear of the past. You wonder what parts of your life, the very essence of who you are, are really 'you'. Lives come crashing down - terror and confusion invades every aspect of being; not to mention the complete and total grief for a lost childhood. Screaming through the night, or at the touch from a loved one, feeling nothing but rejection and shame. People turn their back and families are broken. This is an unlivable life.

Childhood trauma extinguishes the innocence of youth and survivors grow in a way that they will never fully recover from. Adult survivors will be prone to self-harm, anxiety, severe depression and suicide. There is no 'cure' - the past cannot be undone - but there is hope for some healing. This is what Blue Knot aims to do - to untangle that horrific knot. There is much scientific evidence of the effects of trauma but this page is written from the heart.

The photo that you see above is of the little girl who is now grieving for a childhood that was marked by horrific sexual violence and abuse at the hands of some men she should have been able to trust, her maternal grandfather the main perpetrator. This little girl has become a woman who is desperate to heal, to help others to do the same - this little girl is me. I am fighting with every ounce of my being to be able to recover, discover my innocence and to face the future with hope - out of the shadows and into the light.

Please support me - please tell me that I am heard now, that you hear every child lost and waiting to be held and brought to safety. Please support Blue Knot.

Thank you for your time x

For more information on the physiological effects of child abuse please see: http://www.blueknot.org.au/Resources/General-Information/Impact-on-brain